Open Letter to the Man Who Crop-Dusted This Entire Bismarck Store

We like to get out of the house on the weekends and find fun things to do. Maybe you go to the gym and work up a sweat, maybe you choose to go to your favorite brunch spot, or maybe you get outside and go for a walk—enjoy some fresh air.

I was absolutely ready to do that last one after visiting a local home decor store this past weekend.

Dear Stinky Sir

Dear Stinky Sir (that is your name now), I was out enjoying my weekend like you. I went to shop for things I absolutely didn't need. When I arrived at my favorite store in town, instead of smelling scented candles and perfumes, my nose was assaulted with your stench.

Hey, I'm not unreasonable; I know we are flawed human beings and can't always help these things, but when it's that serious, GO HOME.

I couldn't escape it. I kept running away from the smell. It followed me from aisle to aisle. From the front to the back of the store. It followed me so aggressively that I started questioning myself.

I thought, was there a way I did this and didn't know it happened?! Is it possible to shat yourself and be that blissfully unaware? I even checked the bottom of my shoes to be sure. I wanted to rule out all possibilities.

After a few minutes, I came to my senses (unfortunately, there's one I could've lived without at this moment) and spotted you. You got closer...and closer...and before long, I knew.

I knew two things: one, that I needed to abandon ship, and two, that it was you.

I went through several emotions. First disgust, then panic. Would I ever breathe clean air again?  Will my clothes forever be stained? Will this be a trauma I carry with me for decades to come? After that, I felt angry. The anger didn't last long, though, because I was suddenly overcome with a feeling of peace.

Dear Sir, you might have pooped your pants.

Dear Sir, I thought you might be evil for unapologetically doing such a dirty deed. If that were true, those demons surely exited your body via the colon.

Dear Sir, I saw you and your wife having the most fun walking around, talking, and enjoying each other's company, and it filled my heart with happiness. I thank you for allowing me to witness such a wholesome moment and for forcing me to leave before I spent an incredible amount of money on nearly useless things.

I left to spare my lungs being filled with your fecal matter, but that happy memory remains and is cherished.